Failure

27 Jan

I failed at my 100days FB-free.

I logged in yesterday.

A friend of ours died. Suicide. His wife found him Tuesday morning. She told me Tuesday afternoon. Of course, shock and disbelief followed. Then worry for his wife and family, my friends.

I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. His wife was moving on without him and he had started acting strange. I thought it was best to just stay out of it. When her and I talked, and she wanted to tell me, she did. Other then that, I left it alone. Regardless of whether he and I hadn’t talked in 2months or 2years… or had just spoken the night before, doesn’t really matter. The fact is that he sat across from my husband when the four of us would go to lunch. Our kids played together. He and my husband would watch the kids while her and I would ride horses. He let me borrow his truck before I bought mine. They came to our house. We went to their house.

Tuesday night, before I went to bed, my husband urged me to call and check on his wife, my friend. Reluctantly, I called. No answer.

I say “reluctantly” because I never want to be the person who calls all day, just to check in. She knows that, if she needs me, I’m here. I know that, if the shoes were on the other foot, I probably would have broken my phone by hour two. And that no one would probably hear from or see me for months after the funeral. I would take my children and lay low somewhere away from the “I’m soooo sorry” faces, listening as they tip-toe around the subject, gossiping about what I was going to do or had done. No, I would head for the hills and cut off communication for some time. Of course, I say this, but have never been in this situation… and hopefully never will.

Wednesday morning, I still hadn’t heard back from her. I didn’t want to call her again, so I broke my FB-free code and logged in to check on her.

The good intentions led me into surfing what I had missed in the past 2.5weeks. And then…. next thing I knew, I was posting a status. And then a comment…. and *gasp* a birthday wish (or three).

Sucked back into the Facebook abyss. Failure.

And yes, she is fine… considering.

Is it weird that I want to cuss our friend out? For doing such a horrible thing and putting all of those around him in pain? His parents are making plans to burry their child, something no one should endure, whether the child is an adult or a kid. His wife is going through an array of emotions, I’m sure. I can only imagine what she feels. And his kids… this is the part that makes me angry! Someone said to me “well, at least they’re young and won’t remember any of this.” True. But what else does that mean? That his children won’t remember him. He was a good father and husband. His kids adored him. And they’re not going to remember any of that…. They will only know him as the man in the pictures. Even his family – they’re grandparents – can’t replace him. They will go through life hearing “You’re father would’ve been so proud,” or “She has her father’s eyes.” It makes me so angry with him.

What if the kids had been older… teens, say. Would this situation be worse for them? A life time of happy memories of their father versus one, horrible, unexplainable tragedy? How would it effect their relationship with their mother?

I just don’t know. I don’t think there is an answer.

It is a shame we cannot pick and chose what we remember… consciously pick and chose, I should say. Repression is a tad different then the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind concept (which, if you haven’t seen it, do it now).

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